When Good Is Not Enough
By Marcia Tryon, LMHC
Good is not enough.
We’ve all been guilty of it. Passing someone in the hallway at work. Seeing an old school mate in the grocery store. “How are you?” “I’m good.” We often do this in passing, with no intention of asking more questions or time to actually listen. People frequently answer the question of how you’re doing with an adjective, not a feeling, and move on.
Your teen comes home from school and you can tell something is going on. You ask “How are you?” “I’m good.” Knowing something is going on, you ask more questions. The more you ask, the more escalated your teen becomes. “I said I’m good.” Now if someone were to ask you how you’re doing, you might use a feeling word. “I’m worried.” “I’m frustrated.”
Good is not enough.
When we need teens to tell us what is bothering them, we need to make sure they have the vocabulary to do it. Feeling words never make it onto an ELA vocabulary quiz yet, somehow, we expect teens to tell us what’s bothering them when something is bothering them. And we want details!
What is Social Emotional Learning?
Schools across the country have been incorporating S.E.L. (Social Emotional Learning) into the daily curriculum. Part of Social Emotional Learning includes naming feelings and learning to manage emotions. But these lessons do not receive the standard amount of time that academics, like math and science do. How great would it be for our teens to have a class called “Feelings 101” and have a 45 minute block dedicated to naming and learning what feelings are and have it be just as important as math?!
As parents and caregivers, there are things we can do to help our teens build up that vocabulary.
Teens don’t enjoy stories being read to them like when they were little so it can be helpful to narrate your life, or “think out loud”. Explain things as you experience them.
If you’re stressed out because of an upcoming work deadline, share the words to describe your feelings, how it’s physically making you feel, and what healthy way you’re going to manage it. “I’m really stressed out with a huge project at work due by Friday. I’m frustrated that my coworker said they would help me and then told me they couldn’t. It’s giving me a headache. I’ll get it done at work but right now, I’m going to sit in the backyard for a few minutes, take some deep breaths, and calm myself down.” No lectures, just a simple explanation.
No matter what age, kids and teens are looking to their caregivers as problem-solving role models. Think of them as video recorders - recording how the adults name feelings and how we manage them. Teens might roll their eyes when we talk to them but they’re listening, recording us. Let’s give them some good video to play back.
DISCLAIMER:
The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this website are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
If you or your child are in crisis or experiencing mental health problems please seek the advice of a licensed clinician or call 988 or Kids Link in Rhode Island.
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