Parenting Teens from a Developmental Perspective

Mental HealthTeensAnxietyDepressionParenting

Aug 8

By Molly Hedrick, Psychologist at Bradley REACH

Childhood to Adolescence

The transition from childhood to adolescence is complicated on many levels, including from a parenting perspective. Developmental changes including biological, psychological and social changes make parenting adolescents very different from parenting younger children. Research has shown that teenage brains struggle to control impulses due to a still developing front lobe. (part of the brain) This may make some of their decisions risky and worrisome.

On the one hand, your teen may be capable of greater responsibility and can relate to you in more mature ways. On the other hand, academic, biological and social pressures may contribute to moodiness and make your teen less likely to seek your support. Consequences and redirections that were effective when your child was younger, are likely not going to be as effective and may make your teen less likely to seek support from you in healthy ways.

Parenting and Discipline

Parenting and discipline with teens should be seen in the context of the developmental stage of separation and individuation and the lifelong task of self-regulation. According to mental health professionals, adolescence is a time of identity formation in which they explore who they are separate from their families. If they are able to do this in a healthy way, they find their unique identity but are still able to stay close to their families and the overall values of their family. It is important to remember that testing limits is a way for teens to explore this identity and although clear expectations and parental limits are appropriate around teen limit testing, it is developmentally appropriate. Choosing your battles and ignoring is a viable option for parents.

Adolescence is also a time when teens are more focused on their friends and the outside environment. For these reasons, it is often best to allow teens to learn consequences from outside the home. For example, if they are disrespectful to a teacher, they may get a detention. If they fail a class, they might have to do summer school. Resist the urge to jump in and rescue teens from these consequences and/or give them additional consequences. Grounding a teen for mistakes can limit their ability to learn from their mistakes and practice better choices.

Allowing teens to learn from mistakes teaches them essential self-soothing and self-regulation skills so they are more equipped to eventually leave the home. Engaging your teen in collaborative problem solving around issues that do arise is often the best way to identify triggers and develop skills to respond differently in the future.

Continual consequences or harsh discipline can lead teens to withdraw further from their parents. If you do need to give a consequences, it is encouraged to make this consequence immediate and in the context of your relationship with your teen. For example, if they are disrespectful to you, you don’t stop to get them a special drink the next time they ask. If they break curfew, they aren’t allowed to borrow your car the next time. Rather than punishing and reacting to mistakes, it is important to be as proactive as possible and provide rewards contingent on behavior. For example, your teen can go out with friends after their room is clean or after they finish their homework. The immediacy of the consequence is important so they link their behavior to the consequence. Long term consequences are also not usually effective as research indicates that consequences are ineffective past 48 hours.

Fostering a Healthy Environment

Most importantly, families are the primary environment in which teens learn about themselves and healthy long-term relationships. Contrary to popular belief, most teens want healthy relationships with their parents and greatly appreciate their support and guidance. Too much control in relationship can have negative long-term impacts on your relationship with your child. Parents often feel like if they can control their teens behavior, nothing bad will happen. In reality, parents have less control over their behavior than they realize. If parents are overly controlling, they teens become either resentful or over reliant on parents.

Building honest and trusting relationships with your teens and modeling healthy relationships in the family in the long run is the most important thing parents can control. This is often difficult in the short term as you struggle with your teen’s risky or problematic behavior. But, in the long term, it is the usually the best solution to making it through the teen years.

Parenting teens who are struggling with symptoms of mental illness can be particularly challenging but the foundational principles of providing structure, limit and healthy communication and relationships remains the same. If your teen’s symptoms are significantly impacting their day-to-day functioning, seeking assistance from a therapist or psychiatrist in the community is often the next step. Your outpatient treatment team can help your teen process and cope with what is going on with them and help figure out the best parenting approaches.

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