Healthy Parenting Without a Manual

Mental HealthTeensParentingFamily Therapy

Aug 15

By Molly Hedrick, Psychologist at Bradley REACH

Parenting is hard.

Very hard. I have a PhD in child clinical psychology. Many of my friends joke that this gives me an unfair advantage. I. wish. Parenting my own kids is very different than working with families in therapy. We all bring our own histories, triggers and baggage to the role of parenting and it is overwhelming at times to sort through it all. In the age of self-help and often conflicting parenting books, it’s easy to feel inadequate and like there’s a right way to parent.

Often the parenting you are providing is enough as long as you have built a healthy foundation of trust with your child. Parenting is usually not as much about what I want my kids to do or who I want them to be, but who I want to be. If I can model patience and love even when I’m frustrated and annoyed—if I can model love and empathy in the moments that I feel most unloving and angry---if I can take space even if my children refuse - maybe they will one day be able to do the same. Often I won’t say or do the right thing. But if I can remain committed to owning my mistakes and problem solving, maybe one day they’ll be able to do the same.

There is no one size fits all.

What I’ve discovered through my occupation as a psychologist and my role as a parent is that there is no manual for either. At Bradley REACH, we recommend different approaches to parenting depending on you and your child’s unique needs. There is no one size fits all.

Family therapy is essential to our treatment approach at Bradley REACH because we understand that your teen’s struggles occur within the family system which can either help or hinder their progress. Often it is the whole family system that might need to work on doing things differently so everyone in the family can be as healthy as possible. We emphasize open communication and collaborative problem solving that can build the trust necessary to address issues as they arise. This is a long-term parenting strategy. And it is much easier said than done. It means trusting the process of healthy relationship building rather than relying on specific interventions to “fix” your teen or your family.

Some parents may not have had healthy childhoods themselves. They may need to seek their own support to explore what healthy relationships mean and look like on a daily basis.

We all make mistakes.

Healthy parenting doesn’t mean that you won’t make mistakes and fall back into negative patterns of communication and relating—especially when frustrated. It means that you are committed to connecting with your teen. It means encouraging healthy communication in the long run even when you or your child make a mistake.

Healthy parenting also doesn’t mean you don’t set limits or give consequences. It means you provide this structure consistently with as much neutrality and warmth as you can muster in the moment. It means you try to do what is best for your teen based not just on what you think, but what your teen thinks as well. It means giving your teen the space they need to develop their own identity while still allowing them to come back to you for support and guidance.

There is no manual. Just dedication, commitment, and openness. Our family therapists at Bradley REACH are here to help you in this process.

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